It's the 21st Century and some men still under value the work performed by their wives who have become stay at home moms and domestic workers. Men who share this belief expect them to perform as if they're some sort of super woman; but, consider what they do as less than work. This cultural belief is common in most men as it is for the following person:
"My wife doesn't cook or clean for me. I'm the man of the house, I bring home the bacon while she sits on her butt all day complaining that it's a lot of work raising 6 kids..Unlikely. When I come home I want a hot meal and a clean house. I don't understand why it's so difficult for her to do this for me as she does nothing all day? She's a woman she's supposed to do her job as a woman and get to cleaning and cooking. What do I say to her so she knows her place?"
As I exhaled the air that had suddenly filled my lungs, I thought...is this guy for real? I'm surprised he did not mention that his wife should also have his bath water waiting for him. While pondering over his statement and question, I assured myself that I would not judge his beliefs based on my mine. However, I would be out of character if I did not respond to this one; especially since he asked.
As the husband of a former stay at home mother of 4 children, I assure you... she's not sitting down all day. When you 're taking care of that many children--something will take a back seat to many other things. I too had the misconseption that my wife should have been able to manage all aspects of being a stay at home mother and house keeper until I had the opportunity to keep my children for a day while my wife was away on business. It was startling to see just how much work consumed her day... and I still felt like I did not accomplish anything.
Figuring out what to feed the kids, buying and then preparing the meals, washing clothes, cleaning the house, answering the phone [darn telemarketers] and so on. It was very challenging. Eventually, it came down to making a decision to taking care of the needs of the children and let the needs of the house suffer or take care of the household issues and let the children suffer. Like my wife--and many other stay at home moms--I choose to take care of the children. Talk about new found respect. It changed how I viewed my wife as a stay at home mom.
Man's Cultural Domestic Belief
In marriages were the wife have become the domestic provider in the home--the work that the husband performs, regardless of the wages he earns, it is defined as "real work." But the domestic work provided by the wife is deemed invisible and is excluded from being defined as "work." Because of this invisibility, it is then determined that house work is a more of a "labor of love."
Even in marital relationships where the wife works outside the home; the cultural belief of a man is that the domestic matters of the home belong to the wife. Although more men do aim for a better balance between work and family responsibilities... women still do more of the house work. Some men justify the little work that they do in the home as helping, and have the suggested belief that the wife show some type of gratitude and that she be grateful for said help.
The Cost of Domestic Labor
Many men seem to look over all the work that is performed by a stay at home mom. It's not that homemakers don't work; it's just that they're work is invisible to our mainstream economy. You see domestic work is multifunctional; cooking, cleaning, washing clothes, dealing with the pets, handling financial matters, dealing with service workers, entertaining visiting family members and friends, performing task for the husband and children, grocery shopping, shopping for clothing, maintaining a budget, et cetera. If we were to put a cost to their toil, there would be no doubt that a stay at home mom would be the major bread-winner world-wide.
A decade ago, the work of a stay at home mom--around the world--was valued at a trillion dollars, compared to the official global output that same year of 23 trillion (Human Development Report, 1995). Additionally, defining unpaid household labor and raising children as "woman's work," upholds male privileges in today's society.
It's not that stay at home mothers--like the one mentioned here--doesn't want to carry out all that you're expecting of her. In fact! she's probably tries. The bottom line is this... she's can't and she needs your help.
Husbands of stay at home mothers should do more to help their wives maintain order in the home. If you know how to cook; cook something, if you know how to wash clothes; drop a load in. Help her and you'll gain (and get) more respect from her in the future. Remember a marriage is not a sole-proprietorship; it's a partnership.
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